I wrote this letter thinking of the person I briefly spent time with more than a month ago. I am hesitant to call what I felt (and still feel) for him as "love." What I do know is that it's something that has not left me bitter, angry or regretful. We were happy. So happy that even senseless things made sense. We were like old friends who truly enjoyed each other's company. Unfortunately, we didn't realize we were only chasing a black cat in a dark room, blind-folded.
That encounter was not wrong. Neither was it right. It was what it was. It began but it didn't end. Like a story suddenly cut short without warning. Despite the vagueness of it all, I'm thankful to have met him. Our brief time together changed me in a profound way. It revealed to me aspects of my character that I didn't realize I'm capable of having.
This letter may be about him but I have no intention of letting him read it. I wrote this for my sake and for everyone else going through a similar situation. I hope this letter can provide some degree of enlightenment and encouragement. May we not lose hope. There is a reason people disappear from our lives. If they're meant for us, they will come back at the right time and place.
It's not that I don't like you.
It's not that I have never hoped to be your girlfriend someday.
It's not that I don't understand where you're coming from and why you behave the way you do.
Even as I try to distance myself, my thoughts always end up with you.
Even though I never initiated any conversation, I made sure to reply to your every message. In fact, I check my phone countless of times just to see if you dropped by.
What I feel for you is not just simple affection. I tried hard not to like you this much, pushy, stubborn, inconsiderate, dense and insensitive as you are. It took all of me to prevent our nonsense talks from turning into lengthy conversations where things get out of hand.
I wanted to act as aloof and unaffected as you seem to be. I convinced myself many times that a relationship with you will never work.
But all my attempts were futile.
You shoved your way in, pushing aside my reason without giving me time to consider my feelings.
So now my stupid heart can't help but want you. Only you. And it wouldn't accept anyone else.
The more I deny it, the more I get trapped.
I don't even know when it started. Was it when you said you wanted to date me? Nah.
Was it when you said you wanted to love again? I don't think so.
I think it was your ability to match my nonsense that first attracted me to you, which, by the way, doesn't even make sense.
You were the only one who didn't care about the specific things about me. Every senseless word I threw at you, which would have offended, weirded out or bored other people, you caught with ease.
Our childish banters were far from deep. Talking to you didn't give my life a whole new meaning. I simply enjoyed our senseless talks for what they're worth. Though the words passed between us went nowhere, I was happy and thankful to have met someone with a laidback approach to life.
I've always admired people who don't take themselves seriously but still do well. I think it's a rare gift. And somehow I saw that in you.
Little did I know that such a gift would lead to more confusion and make you so difficult to figure out.
What exactly do you want? What are you looking for?
You are impatient, always in a hurry to get things done. You obviously have a lot to do. Developing websites alone is already draining your energy. Why do you have to carry the burden of being in a relationship when you seem to have no time for it?
Please understand that I did my best to meet you halfway. I never gave you false hopes. From the start, I set your expectations straight. But you refused to listen.
You stated your desire to fall for someone. From the looks of it, however, you need a different kind of love. A love that lets you play games, watch animes and do what you want for hours on end. A love you'll remember only when you're bored, lonely or needing attention.
Unfortunately that's not the kind of love I can offer. You might as well hire a maid, an entertainer or a loose woman during your vacant days. They won't feel bad whenever you treat them like you have no other options. Or maybe you can go back home so that your heart will no longer ache for your family.
I understand you all too well, my dear.
My feelings for you have never changed. After you went cold and accused me of twisting you around, I couldn't even hate you. I wept a bit knowing this is inevitable.
Forcing ourselves to be together at the wrong time will only worsen our misunderstanding. We both have a lot of growing up to do.
We are at a point in our lives where we cannot afford to sacrifice our dreams for anyone. The only difference is that while I embrace this reality, you continue to turn a blind eye and pretend you're capable of juggling everything at once.
It's impossible for either of us to overturn our vague situation. For the time being, let's just leave it hanging. Who knows in the future we might see each other again.
If you have no other commitments, then we can continue where we left off. Hopefully by then, we'd be better versions of ourselves.
We never know. Maybe you'll become my business partner. Maybe you'll be a friend for life. We might fall in love with each other again. And this time without reservations.
Maybe. Just maybe. But let's not bet on that. Life is unpredictable after all.
I'd like to think of us as an unfinished manuscript... a continuing story. Maybe not now but sooner or later, there will be a definite ending.
So let's keep busy. Whatever happens in the future, I'll be happy to see you.