Cosmopolitan is the “biggest selling magazine in the world,” according to its spine. It’s a bastion of quality journalism and services hundreds of thousands of women globally. It’s full of wisdom and advice; and not all of it is bad…
But seriously, Cosmo is a very silly thing and I wouldn’t recommend listening to most of what it has to say.
Cosmo is, in many ways, using their parlance, a “frenemy.” At first inspection, it’s full of promises to look after you – through good times and bad. Reality hits hard though, and all of a sudden, your new BFF Cosmo has headed for the hills. It’s the very definition of a fair weather friend. It’s really not what you want in your corner, when you’re thinking about companionship, friendships and relationships.
Personally, I’ve spent far too many of my years assimilating some of Cosmo’s ‘wisdom’ into my personal repertoire. I, despite evidence to the contrary, consider myself to be a relatively intelligent individual; yet, I can’t resist the allure of trashy women’s magazines. Academically, I fully understand that the vast majority of the content is nonsensical. Yet, the pretty colours and maddening habit compel me to spend nearly ten dollars on one of the sods most months.
That being said though, it’s far too easy to take the mickey out of the archetypal magazine, which arguably celebrates women’s liberation and sexual freedom. Every so often, once in a blue moon, it lets loose with an absolute gem of advice.
Before we consider those though, let’s take a gander at some of the greatest cosmo-isms.
Some of my personal favourites intimate that ‘your man’ is cheating on you. All of the following of your male partner’s activities suggest that his is engaging in extra curricular sexual adventures; without you:
1. He’s improved his personal grooming regime.
2. He’s spending more time at the gym.
3 He has devoted himself to his work and is often late home.
As you can well imagine, the fact that his interest in bettering himself has peaked, clearly means that he’s set to trade you in for a far, far sexier model. And by model, I mean model. I’m not just using the car metaphor, he’s probably going to start dating a model; BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
How much fun is the paranoia that Cosmo generates? It’s almost limitless. The best part about it though, is that it knows how to kick you when you’re down. Not only is your male partner cheating on you; you’re also rubbish at sex and desperately need to improve. This will drive you towards attempting some of the following absurd manoeuvres:
1. Put a donut on his penis and eat it.
2. Milk him; like a cow.
3. Cook naked, with carefully applied tomato sauce on your nipples.
Do I need to explain why the suggestions are silly? I highly doubt it. Also, just about a million bloggers have done so before me.
I think the take home messages from Cosmo; if you’re able to laugh off the nonsense are quite valid. They’re still preaching safe sex, equal pay and representation in the workforce and …surely some other stuff. Take the vast majority of it with a donut on a penis…
Steph, this is a fabulous article! I have to say that I laughed out loud reading your observations on Cosmo. I especially loved the lines about absurd manoeuvres. So funny and true. I had to share it with my friends on Facebook and Google +.