"I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small I've been drawing the line and watching it fall You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart" - The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison
The lyrics of James Morrison's song are a perfect descriptor of what it's like when you realise that your marriage is falling apart. You feel it happening first, before you see it. You see it happening first, before you acknowledge it. And by the time you acknowledge that its happening, you have no control of the situation.
I still have vivid memories of the day I found out that my ex husband had cheated on me. In fact I remember the week.
When I say I remember the week, I don't mean the days after it happened, but the days before. I remember how happy he was the day he cheated (although I did not know at the time that, that was the reason he was so happy); I remember the big fight we had a few days later over nothing; I remember hearing him say "I still love you, I'm just not in love with you anymoreĒ, when I asked what was happening to us; I remember the denial of cheating when I asked if he had; and I remember the admittance that yes, he had cheated. My world felt like it literally turned upside down, and then the nightmare began.
Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I still call it a nightmare, even though Iím over it, because there are no other words to describe how it felt to me at the time.
When something you've committed your heart and soul to dies right in front of you it hurts. However, what hurts the most is that eventually you will have to acknowledge and accept that you contributed to it somehow. Then you will have to accept that, that is okay and also that you are okay...or at least you will be. However, before you get to that point there is a waking dream you have to get through that is nothing short of a living nightmare. You will get through it though, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving!
"Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you And if you leave me now, Oh just leave me now It's the better thing to do It's time to surrender, It's been too long pretending There's no use in trying, When the pieces don't fit anymore" - The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison
"I still love you...I'm just not in love with you anymore."
Those few words can sting, especially when you're not ready for them. And I'm not talking about whether or not you are still in love. In fact, in hindsight I can see that I wasn't 'still in love'. But I wasn't ready to hear those words either, and then feel the pain that came with them. I wasn't ready to admit to not being in love with him anymore and I most certainly was not ready to hear that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Thankfully it doesn't hurt me as much now but at the time it hurt more then anything I've ever felt in my entire life.
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I cried myself to sleep for a long time, as I struggled to sort through the lies and the mess in my head.
Itís funny too, when I asked my ex if he had cheated on me and he said no, deep down inside I knew he had. It's interesting, the things we know deep down inside but choose to ignore. What lies beneath the surface is the truth we're hiding from, the truth we choose to ignore and the lies we choose to cling to. The lies prance around on top of the surface, poking fun at us and waiting for us to fall. And fall I did!
I'll never forget that feeling, the realization that this was it and life, as I'd known it, had ceased to exist.
"You pulled me under so I had to give in Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone" - The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison
My ex-husband was resolute. It was obvious that he had decided to let go of the lies that our marriage had become and was already moving on. As much as this hurt, it also helped me to move on myself. I believe he cheated because he wanted an out and he knew that cheating would make me walk away. He was right there was no way I was going to stay with a cheater, but at the same time I also didnít want to fail at this marriage thing. Eventually though, I had to admit defeat and move on with my life.
PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER:
Image courtesy of Morguefile.com
So what next?! After the nightmare comes the dream. Once you step through the process and start to move on, you realise that it is now time for you to live your life for you. Time to pick up the shattered pieces of your hopes and plans and discard them because there will be no trying to piece them back together, they are from the past and it is time to move forward. This is the major aspect of post divorce life that you must accept, that your old life is dead.
Me in the Greek Islands - post divorce
So do what you need to, to move on!
I travelled and took time off work; I spent time with my friends, and got myself a rebound guy; I wrote nasty letters to my ex and I burnt them; I hugged my petís daily and let their unconditional love heal me; I exercised and ate clean; I went to counselling and meditated; and I also let my hair down and had fun. Most importantly, I did what I needed to do to survive and thatís what you have to do. Take up that class you always wanted to do; go on that dream holiday you always wanted to take; get that tattoo you always meant to get. This is YOUR life now, embrace it and let it take you wherever youíre meant to go!