Unsaid I Love You
Was at the doctors, on a respirator, and I couldn't talk. The ambulance is on the way.
"Don't you leave me Keenan"
I am so intensely, desperately frightened and so profoundly sad. I'm fighting. I don't want to leave you.
People are running around doing stuff.
Tears streaming, I focused on his eyes. How handsome he is - when was the last time I told him that? Did he still know I fancied him?
My hand was gripping the arm of his shirt. I'm hanging on to you as long as I can. Do you know I love you sooo much? You've been so good to me - thank you, thank you, thank you, you kind, good man. Whatever has gone on between us before doesn't matter - not the slightest bit important.
People running around - they have to run around us - I'm not letting go, not as long as I'm conscious.
I don't know if I'll make it. I want to, but I don't know if my body will listen. So I'll try and tell you by my eyes, telepathy, osmosis - anything.
No smiles between us - just exhausting concentration.
The kids are all grown up, they will be ok. The grandies will be fine. You will be fine, you handsome brute. My family will sort out what needs to be done. You take it easy - the fright in your eyes is heartbreaking. I so want to soothe you.
If I can't make it - you are the last thing I want to see. Just like this - eyes locked. Looking at you, looking at me. Its the best I can do. It is enough. We have now.
I do so love you.
These are a hundred mile a minute thoughts before a stint in Intensive Care and ward time in hospital. Am lucky to have been able to verbalise all of that at a later date to my guy - though it took a while as the experience was so harrowing and humbling. It can still make me howl just thinking about it.
He said he knew - said he felt it. This from a mountain of a guy who can be old-school-chauvanistic and closed-minded as the rest of them.
My outlook shifted a gear or two. My kids say I am laid back, sometimes too soft - but I don't think so. I have my own ideas on what to waste my energy fighting about or fussing over and what to let go.
I am secure in what's right for me.
254346 - 2023-07-19 07:57:41